okay so this literally the hardest thing I ever had to do but if I don’t say the truth then I can never truly commit to this blog. So here it is …. 

I was 3rd year at high school when it began. These voices in my head telling me that I was worthless and fat. 

I believed  this voice so I tried to control it by wanting to show it that I could be skinny. At the time I wasn’t even fat to say. But I thought I was.

I cut down on meals. At school I would hide away in the library instead of going to the canteen. I tried to get lost in books than to face my big problem.

Then one lunch time I was crying in the girls toliets when some girls in my class walked in and I just broke down. I told them everything.  About how I hated myself and how fat and horrible I felt. It was the worst time in my life. 

They promised not to tell any of our teachers cause I really didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away forever. 

But then teachers started to notice that I was skipping lunch and hid in the toliets at lunch. They told my mum. I denied it all and said anything they would be believe. 

I threw all my feelings to the back of my mind and try to ignore the fact that my mind didn’t belong to me. My body was shutting down. 

The less I ate the harder it got. I knew I was loosing weight and it made me proud. That I could take control of at least one thing in my life.  

My mum toke me to the doctors to get weighed. I was nearly a stone under weight. The doctor ask my mum to wait outside while she asked me some questions like…. 

Do you look at yourself in a negative way? Yes.

Do you think your fat? Yes. 

I just told her everything cause the pressure was getting to me and I couldn’t lie anymore. 

The doctor transferred me to a specialist who I then realised dealt with eating disorders. I never even thought I could have it. What I did normal to me. 

She asked me the same questions but with my mum in the room. I bottled it up and lied. When she asked if I thought I was fat. I said no when I clearly thought I was. She weighed me too and yes I was underweight. 

My family were constantly asking me if I had aten. Checking on me all the time. Whispering about me behind my back . It was the hardest time in my life. I have a diary tha is used back then and even still now where I write when it all comes flooding back. 

I lost my best friend to it. She wanted to help but I just pushed them out. 

I’m still not entirely over it. Whe they say that someone has a eating disorder never fully heals it’s true. 

I never got professional help. I guess you could call it an unofficial eating disorder but it was still there. 

If your reading then thanks for reading though it all. It was so hard to write. I literally have been writing it all day. 

And if you too have had some sort of eating problem then I may be able to help or just chat you know.  I don’t Want anybody to go through it alone cause I did and it’s awful so you can comment down below. 

Thank you so much … Kirsty … X 

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