okay so this literally the hardest thing I ever had to do but if I don’t say the truth then I can never truly commit to this blog. So here it is ….
I was 3rd year at high school when it began. These voices in my head telling me that I was worthless and fat.
I believed this voice so I tried to control it by wanting to show it that I could be skinny. At the time I wasn’t even fat to say. But I thought I was.
I cut down on meals. At school I would hide away in the library instead of going to the canteen. I tried to get lost in books than to face my big problem.
Then one lunch time I was crying in the girls toliets when some girls in my class walked in and I just broke down. I told them everything. About how I hated myself and how fat and horrible I felt. It was the worst time in my life.
They promised not to tell any of our teachers cause I really didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away forever.
But then teachers started to notice that I was skipping lunch and hid in the toliets at lunch. They told my mum. I denied it all and said anything they would be believe.
I threw all my feelings to the back of my mind and try to ignore the fact that my mind didn’t belong to me. My body was shutting down.
The less I ate the harder it got. I knew I was loosing weight and it made me proud. That I could take control of at least one thing in my life.
My mum toke me to the doctors to get weighed. I was nearly a stone under weight. The doctor ask my mum to wait outside while she asked me some questions like….
Do you look at yourself in a negative way? Yes.
Do you think your fat? Yes.
I just told her everything cause the pressure was getting to me and I couldn’t lie anymore.
The doctor transferred me to a specialist who I then realised dealt with eating disorders. I never even thought I could have it. What I did normal to me.
She asked me the same questions but with my mum in the room. I bottled it up and lied. When she asked if I thought I was fat. I said no when I clearly thought I was. She weighed me too and yes I was underweight.
My family were constantly asking me if I had aten. Checking on me all the time. Whispering about me behind my back . It was the hardest time in my life. I have a diary tha is used back then and even still now where I write when it all comes flooding back.
I lost my best friend to it. She wanted to help but I just pushed them out.
I’m still not entirely over it. Whe they say that someone has a eating disorder never fully heals it’s true.
I never got professional help. I guess you could call it an unofficial eating disorder but it was still there.
If your reading then thanks for reading though it all. It was so hard to write. I literally have been writing it all day.
And if you too have had some sort of eating problem then I may be able to help or just chat you know. I don’t Want anybody to go through it alone cause I did and it’s awful so you can comment down below.
Thank you so much … Kirsty … X